This reflection is part of The Listening Series, a collection of practices for going deeper in conversations. Level 1 introduces three foundational tools: playback, clean questions and summarising the essence. Level 2 goes beneath the surface of words into energy, silence and embodied awareness. Each post in this level can be read alone, or together as steps that deepen your listening practice. Level 3 transformational listening describes some tools that help people give shape to emotions, listen without reaching alignment and listen in ways that allow another’s truth to transform your views. It builds on the foundations of Levels 1 and 2, but each piece also stands on its own.
We think of listening as something we do with our ears but deep listening goes further. It asks you to listen with your whole self. Your mind, your brain, your heart. In reality your whole body.
One of the most powerful tools I learned in my coaching training was this: use yourself as a mirror.
How To Practice It
When someone speaks, notice what arises in you. Tension, energy, loneliness, aches and even anxiety.
These reactions are not random. They are signals. Sometimes they come from your own history, assumptions, or fears. Sometimes they are emotions that have “landed” on you from the other person, even if they have not said them out loud.
With practice, you can begin to tell the difference. Both are valuable. One helps you see where your listening is filtered through your own story. The other helps you sense what the other person may be struggling to name.
Spend time with yourself. Get comfortable being quiet and observing your body and your thoughts without judgement. Ground your feet. Take deep breaths and then survey your body and your mind systematically from top to toe. Notice without judgement.
You will begin to connect more deeply with your own thoughts and energy and start to learn what you are feeling and how it shows up in your day, at work, at home, and in your relationships.
The next time you are in conversation, pause and tune in to yourself. Ask:
“What am I noticing in my body right now?”
“Does this feeling belong to me, or could it be someone else’s?”
“If it is theirs, how can I reflect it back with care?”
This does not mean diagnosing or assuming. It means staying open and curious and always with permission. This level of listening is intimate and must not be entered into without explicit consent. You may notice things that are not yours, but that does not mean it is appropriate to share them.
If you do choose to share, you might gently ask: “Is it ok for me to express how that landed with me? When you said that just now, I felt…”
Gentle reflections like these, offered with care and permission, may unlock what was unspoken.
Why It Matters
We are not taught to slow down, reflect, or engage in grounding practices. So much of modern life is about constant engagement. Attention bandits in your daily life are pinging, ringing, and alerting you for a million different things. Some are important, but many are just banality masquerading as connection.
If you dismiss the noise and the distractions, you may begin to hear what your body is saying. You may notice your own reactions to your own emotions, how they sit in you, and where they tend to collect.
For example, right now I have an ache in my left shoulder. That one is simple: my workstation is a dining room table with no ergonomic design, just the reality of urban life and planning restrictions. Underneath that ache is another feeling. A tension in my stomach, right at the point where my sternum and ribs give way to the soft midline above my belly button. It feels like a mixture of butterflies and nervousness. The truth is, I am about to engage in a difficult conversation later today, and I am dreading it.
Physical aches can have practical causes, but when you notice signals that do not fit neatly into posture or furniture, they often point to emotions waiting to be acknowledged. Understanding your own emotions and triggers helps you decode other people’s energies when they come into contact with you. It is a rich source of insight worth paying attention to. Ignoring it can lead to blockages in your ability to listen or misinterpretations about what you have heard.
Coaching tip: Listening beyond words is about catching intent, not just content. It is about allowing what you sense to sit alongside what you hear. The next time you are listening, notice your entire body. Treat your own reactions as information. They may show you what to set aside and what to lean into. The task is not only to hear the words. The task is deep listening and that means listening beyond what is spoken.