This reflection is part of The Listening Series, a collection of practices for going deeper in conversations. Level 1 introduces three foundational tools: playback, clean questions and summarising the essence. Level 2 goes beneath the surface of words into energy, silence and embodied awareness. Each post in this level can be read alone, or together as steps that deepen your listening practice. Level 3 transformational listening describes some tools that help people give shape to emotions, listen without reaching alignment and listen in ways that allow another’s truth to transform your views. It builds on the foundations of Levels 1 and 2, but each piece also stands on its own.
Start With Yourself
Most of the time, we listen in order to respond. Sometimes we listen to hold space. Rarely do we listen with enough openness that we ourselves might be changed.
Listening until you transform requires humility. It means loosening your grip on certainty and allowing the possibility that the other person’s perspective, resilience or lived experience might shift how you see the world.
I experienced this firsthand on a family visit to Make A Difference (MAD), an organisation my family has been supporting for some time. MAD identifies children in need of care and protection and surrounds them with that very care and protection through long-term mentorship. Their Progression Mentoring model walks with children from adolescence into young adulthood, ensuring they are not alone as they navigate education, employment and independence.
I have always loved this organisation. Their passion and sincerity come through even across a Zoom call. Visiting their organisation in person took it to another level.
What struck me most was the culture of MAD was their refusal to treat poverty as a problem to be fixed with money, and instead offers care, attention, mentorship and ingenuity. What makes it remarkable is that this culture is not only showered onto children, but also onto MAD’s staff and volunteers. Everyone in the ecosystem is mentored, supported and developed.
Listening to the MAD team, and to the children they support, changed me. I realised that despite my admiration, I still carried limiting beliefs about what was possible to people living in such circumstances. Their resilience and creativity forced me to confront those assumptions and see potential where I had unconsciously assumed limitation.
I share this to highlight what I learned: that listening fully, humbly and long enough to be changed reshaped a child’s future and my own understanding of what is possible.
How To Practice It
- Humbly notice people
People are remarkably resilient and capable of solving their own problems. They do not need your advice, even if they think they do. Additionally, whatever advice you can offer, will never be a perfect fit for their unique values, experiences and capabilities. Remember your role is not to be the companion not the guru.
- Share experiences, not advice
The moment you catch yourself thinking, “I know what they should do,” stop. You don’t know what someone else should do. You only know what you have done. What you can offer instead is your own experience shared with humility. “This was my experience. Yours will be different.” Experience keeps creativity alive and builds connection without taking away the other person’s agency.
- Say “yes”
Say yes to listening without a plan. Yes to perspectives that feel strange, boring or wacky. Yes to stories that stretch you, bore you, or make you laugh. You have the time. Even if you think you don’t, make the time. Explore with others. Take an interest. Live, love, laugh with them. Say yes and pay attention to what happens next.
- Reflect
Ask yourself: “What changed in me because of this conversation?” Perhaps you see resilience more clearly, notice your own limits or discover a new idea. Transformation comes when you let go of certainty and allow the experience to change you.
Why It Matters
Most people listen in order to do something: to respond, to impact, to influence. That is a skill worth having, but it is not the whole picture. If you only listen to act on others, you miss the possibility of being acted on yourself.
What about allowing yourself to be the response? What about letting yourself be impacted or influenced?
This is what Listening Until You Transform demands. It is not passive. It is the most active form of listening there is because it asks you to bring your certainty to your learning edge and risk being surprised, captivated or even undone.
And isn’t that what leaders crave too? To be inspired. To be moved. To come alive with ideas and perspectives that could never have been generated from inside their own echo chamber. Inspiration often comes from outside if you allow the transformation to happen.
Coaching tip: The next time you feel the urge to give advice, stop. Instead, share your own experience and then listen carefully to how the other person responds. Say yes often and notice what changes in you because of the exchange. Listening until you transform is not about surrendering authority. It is about being willing to grow, even in the middle of a dialogue. That is what makes listening transformational.