“It takes a village to raise a child.”
It’s a powerful saying. One that reminds us we don’t parent in isolation. We need a community that protects, nurtures and uplifts our children but what happens if that village isn’t there for you? Or if it doesn’t accept you?
My family recently faced this dilemma. We’re a multiracial, multicultural family who needed a school environment—a “village”—that embraced diversity, curiosity and internally mobile children. Our previous setting simply wasn’t that place. We left because, despite our best efforts, we couldn’t find the understanding and acceptance our children deserved.
Below are some insights from our journey that might guide you if you’re searching for your own village or soil in which to grow.
1. Recognize When It’s Time to Move On
Sometimes our first instinct is to “make it work” wherever we are. But there are times when the cost of fitting in becomes too high. My children heard remarks like:
- “No one is all of that—everyone is just one thing.”(instead of recognising the existence of biracial heritage)
- “You need to find a quiet environment, distraction-free environment an then you’ll finish the homework in one hour like everyone else.” (instead of recognizing the role of dyslexia).
- “Boys need to get along,” when my son was bullied on the playground. Yet he was punished when roles reversed.
When these patterns repeat, it’s a sign that the environment isn’t supporting your family’s well-being. Recognizing it’s time to move on can be an act of love for yourself and your children.
As a cross-cultural family, we’ve lived in multiple countries and hold passports different from our countries of origin. My biracial children don’t look like they’re from the same family, nor do they mirror a single, expected ‘image’ of their parents. People constantly make assumptions based on our appearance, accents or mannerisms. We’re frequently asked, “Where are you from?” but the answer is often too long to be worth the effort of listening.
Identity doesn’t fit neatly into categories. Home can be anywhere you feel connected. It might not be where your appearance says you’re from; it could be a place or a network of places that accept you.
3. Seek Diversity, Embrace Curiosity
In our new school, there’s more diversity cultural, linguistic, and otherwise. The teachers and community show genuine curiosity about our experiences and values. This shift has been revelatory. My children are changing some of their deeply held, self-limiting beliefs about themselves.
- “I’ve never had a grade before that reflected the amount of effort I put into my assignment.”
- “Mam, can I friend these people on my game? They’re in my class!”
Coaching Tip: If you can, look for environments that are curious, not critical. The more varied the social and cultural “touch points,” the more chances you and have to be understood and celebrated. |
4. It’s OK to Stand Out
Ever heard the saying, “You need to blend in first before you can stand out”?
It’s natural to feel the urge to blend in or dim your light especially when you enter a new environment or if you come from a background that differs from the majority culture. You might think that assimilation is the quickest path to acceptance but what if despite a fluent command of language and culture you still have no hope of fitting in?
Standing out is not necessarily a drawback; in fact, it can be your greatest strength. If your perspective, background or style of communication breaks the mold, it means you bring fresh ideas and insights that others might find exciting. Embracing your uniqueness opens the door to opportunities that more authentically align with your values.
As one of my professors recently said,
“We used to teach people that you must grow wherever you find yourself. Now we teach them to select the soil where you are most likely to bloom.”
This shift in perspective is crucial: No matter how determined or valuable you are, you can’t truly flourish if the surrounding environment doesn’t allow it. Rather than spending more of your energy trying to change yourself to fit in, the better path may be to find or create an environment that genuinely celebrates the qualities you bring.
Coaching Tip: Identify the qualities that make you stand out—your unique talents, cultural insights, or ways of thinking—and consider whether your current environment truly supports them. If it doesn’t, look for or create spaces where those differences are celebrated. Embrace the fact that not every soil is fertile for every plant. Find the environment that lets you bloom, and you’ll flourish on your own terms.
Trust the Process of Building (of Finding) Your Village
Community doesn’t always come pre-packaged. Sometimes you build it from the ground up. Other times, you discover it in unexpected places. Don’t underestimate how quickly you can find “your people” when you open up, ask questions or offer support in return.
Recently, I’ve been having coffee after school drop-off with a new grandparent who is learning English as a second language. She has a grandson in the same school. We communicate through Google Translate, bridging both linguistic and generational gaps in our conversations. We’ve covered everything from tourist destinations and the global rise of populism to healthcare inequalities in low- and middle-income countries. That simple connection led to a playdate between her grandson and my son that ended with a promise to do it again soon. It’s a powerful reminder that community can grow from small, everyday moments when we step out of our comfort zones.
Coaching Tip: Be proactive in seeking community groups, after-school programs or clubs that share your family’s interests. Volunteer, attend local events and connect with parents who value diversity. Mutual understanding blossoms when you take small, consistent steps toward connection. |
Closing Thoughts:
If you are wondering where to find your village or how to know if you should move on? Take heart, you’re not alone in this search. The journey to find an environment that truly welcomes you can be long, and it’s never seamless, but it’s worth it. There will be bumps, misunderstandings and the ever-present worry about whether you’ve made the right choice. But pay attention to the positives, like when your child is invited to a birthday party or a project that celebrates your child’s unique talents and remember that “home” isn’t always a fixed abode; it’s a space or community where you feel connected, understood and free to be yourself.
Above all, don’t be afraid to stand out. Sometimes, choosing to bloom elsewhere is the best way to find the acceptance and opportunities you deserve.
Call to Action:
Reflect on whether your current environment is nourishing or draining.
- Start small. Reach out to at least one new group or community this month.
- Remind yourself and your loved ones often: “We deserve the soil in which we can thrive.”
