This week at my children’s school, we had the chance to meet the new Head of Secondary. He spoke about the school ethos: BELONG. Each letter in the word represents the ways children are supported to feel part of the community. He also reminded us that success is not just about grades but about life readiness: helping young people grow into independent adults, prepared for what lies beyond school.
That struck me, because I’ve lived the tension between belonging and independence all my life. And when I think about it, what children (and leaders) really need are both: roots and wings.
Independence as Necessity: Wings Before Roots
I was the eldest of my siblings in an immigrant family. My parents, both educated in India, left the country when I was six months old. In our family, independence was never optional. My grandparents left their comfortable homes and extended family support structures for economic opportunities and new beginnings as did my parents.
Where I grew up, universities weren’t open to international students at the time. Consequently, I had always understood I would leave. The only questions were where and what I would study, never if.
I still remember asking my mother to teach me to cook before I went to university. She was surprised. For her, preparation was academic. She had studied in India, where meals came from the canteen, laundry was done by dhobiwalis (washer women), cleaners managed the dorms and chowkidhars (security guards) watched the gates. Life preparation wasn’t needed. However, she agreed. Cooking became one of my proudest achievements, right alongside my IB diploma results.
What I didn’t know was how to do anything else like make a bed, do laundry or clean. Necessity soon taught me and friends tutored me to fill in the gaps without judgment. At seventeen, I was independent wings fully spread but perhaps not deeply rooted?
Belonging: Roots That Exclude
Growing up abroad, I was never fully rooted. I was a non-national, not fully fluent in the local language, with mostly international friends who came and went every few years. Roots everywhere and also nowhere.
People often say to me, what a privilege to have such a global identity. In many ways, it was. It also left me asking: who was I and where did I belong?
When I became a parent, I wanted my children to grow deep roots in the country where they were born and raised. Belonging proved elusive. Despite their language fluency, passports and years lived, they weren’t always accepted as fully “of” that place. They learnt that identity has boundaries.
At their current school, they finally feel more at home. Difference is the norm and the ethos of belonging is consciously cultivated. It is a way of creating safety and community for families who may be far from where their roots began. It is a powerful reminder that belonging does not happen by accident. It takes intention and care.
Roots and Wings: The Real Goal
Reflecting on both my story and my children’s, I no longer see belonging and independence as opposites. Both roots and wings are essential and incomplete without the other.
- Roots give us safety, identity and community
- Wings give us resilience, adaptability and the courage to explore
Too much emphasis on roots without wings risks dependency while too much emphasis on wings without roots risks isolation. Life readiness means equipping young people, and ourselves, with both.
This lesson goes beyond parenting.
In leadership, too:
- Roots are the culture of belonging, loyalty and shared purpose
- Wings are the independence to think differently, take risks and grow
Good leaders, like good parents, must give their people both.
Looking back, I see now that I always had wings as well as roots. They weren’t anchored in one place, one culture or one identity. My roots were young, needing time and nurturing. I am Indian, but also shaped by the multiple cultures I grew up in. I highlight this through the phrase of also to people who may adhere to a narrow view. Indian also looks like me. Irish also includes me. Middle Eastern also can be me. Over time, I came to understand that I was more than the sum of my parts.
My children are the same. Their roots stretch in many directions and they are still figuring out what kind of trees they are, and what fruit those trees will bear. When they find their way, as I eventually did, they will express it differently than I did, but they will express it. And I will be there to hear them, fascinated to hear where they flew and how deep their roots reached.
Just because roots aren’t singular doesn’t mean they don’t run deep. My mistake was believing I had none, when really I didn’t yet have the words to explain them.
I have learnt, both as a parent and as a leader, that belonging alone is never enough. If belonging requires conformity, then it is not real belonging. If belonging comes without independence, roots can ground rather than anchor.
Perhaps the real work of parenting and leadership is to nurture both roots and wings. To give others the belonging that grounds them and the independence that lets them soar. Life readiness is not choosing between the two, but carrying both together into the future.