When “Blending In” Helps You Stand Out: Body Language, Little White Lies, and Finding Your Authentic Response
I recently read an article about the evolution of women stepping into roles on Wall Street—positions once deemed “inappropriate” or “unfitting” for them. From small brokerage houses to the floors of the New York Stock Exchange, these pioneering women often faced an uphill battle. Some tried to blend in—donning unflattering beige suits akin to the male uniform—while others, especially women of African ethnicity who already stood out, leaned into their uniqueness by wearing bold coloured suits and high heels. Around that same era, the term “glass ceiling” emerged, highlighting why capable women continued to be overlooked for promotions that went instead to “family men.”
Discussions around acceptance, authenticity, and “fitting in” have always fascinated me. So, it’s not surprising that while I was still mulling over what I’d read, a real-life scenario about body language and belonging popped up closer to home—my son’s reluctance to go to his football match.
The Football Field Dilemma
On match day, my son was adamant: “They’re not being kind to me,” “I don’t want to play.” It turned out some misunderstanding during practice had led to his coach thinking my son wasn’t trying his best. Meanwhile, he felt he’d been giving his all. This discrepancy between his internal effort and the coach’s perception deflated him.
I’ve seen similar patterns with him before—sometimes he genuinely isn’t applying himself, sometimes he is, and sometimes it’s simply a communication breakdown. Either way, the mood and body language he projects is often “too cool for school,” and I strongly suspect that’s what happened during practice.
Is Body Language a “Little White Lie”?
In the coaching world, I often talk about how we present ourselves, especially in moments when we haven’t fully formulated an opinion or we’re uncertain how we feel. Sometimes we can appear distant or disengaged—even if that’s not our intention.
This ties back to the women on Wall Street. Some wore those beige suits to blend in, essentially adopting a “little white lie” of sorts through their clothing to appear part of the tribe while they navigated a new, challenging environment. Others went the opposite route—loudly standing out because there was no chance to fade into the background anyway. Both tactics served as a way of managing perceptions until the women could prove their actual worth and capability.
Cultural Norms and Authenticity
I grew up in an environment where honesty was paramount: “Lies of omission, little white lies—no difference, you’re lying!” was a common perception. And there’s certainly value in radical honesty. At the same time, we all know that different cultures have different norms: some are famed for directness (often criticized as “rude”), while others are lauded for politeness (sometimes labelled “fake” or “untrustworthy”). This interplay of authenticity and social courtesy can be confusing—especially in today’s workplaces, where many people worry about seeming disingenuous.
But do we need to blurt out unpolished truths all the time? Or can we, at times, adjust our outward demeanour—our facial expressions, posture, and tone—to buy ourselves a few moments to think before responding? Is it “lying” or strategic self-regulation?
Teaching My Son the Art of Perception
Coming back to my reluctant footballer. I decided to show him how his body language might be sabotaging his best efforts. We spent an hour practicing what earnest listening looks like:
- Rolling eyes? Out.
- Arms crossed tight across your chest? Out.
- Nodding gently to show attentiveness? In.
- Making comfortable (not glaring) eye contact? In.
He thought it was hilariously over-the-top at first—“Mom, you’re exaggerating!”—but as we went through scenario after scenario, he started to see how he could convey that he was trying his best rather than “whatever, I’m bored.” The difference in perceived effort can be night and day, purely through these subtle cues.
Why “Little White Lies” Can Be a Kindness
Some might say teaching him to nod instead of roll his eyes is encouraging an inauthentic response—what if he really does feel bored or annoyed? But here’s the thing: there’s a time and a place for raw honesty, and a time to pause for clarity. If you’re feeling frustrated or misunderstood, the last thing you want to do is escalate the situation through negative body language. A more neutral or attentive demeanour gives you a moment to collect your thoughts, figure out what you truly believe, and then express it in a healthier way.
Conclusion
Whether it’s pioneering women on Wall Street blending in to earn a seat at the table, or a middle-schooler trying to show he’s all-in at football practice, we all navigate environments where our genuine intentions can be overshadowed by how we present ourselves. There’s a fine line between outright deceit and strategic self-regulation. Sometimes, the kindest, smartest thing we can do is adopt that “little white lie” in our posture or expression—long enough to find our centre, think clearly, and offer an authentic, well-considered response.
My son now has a few extra tools in his communication toolkit, and I hope he’ll remember them next time he’s on the field. And for the rest of us, perhaps we can remember this: it’s not necessarily inauthentic to appear calm or engaged while we take a moment to gather ourselves. In doing so, we respect our own need to think—and the other person’s need to feel heard.
Pro Tip: In both personal and professional scenarios, try experimenting with small shifts in your body language—especially when you feel triggered. Sometimes, just keeping your eyes soft and your shoulders relaxed can change the dynamic dramatically. The real trick is learning how to use these “little white lies” of body language to create space for your true voice to emerge, not to bury it.
